Hello July!!!

For our anniversary, The Wife got us tickets to go see Stephen Colbert (Cole-Bare) who was in town raising money for an endowed chair at MUSC named in memory of his father James Colbert (Cole-Bert). As you know, I get all of my news from The Colbert Report. Colbert is also neck and neck with my good friend (my words, not his) Darius Rucker for the title of Charleston’s (and SC’s) favorite son (for any wondering… I’m James Island’s favorite son [again my words, not theirs]). Interesting fact… Colbert and I attended the same elementary school (though many years apart). I’m not sure if he went there for all 5 years… I think he moved to downtown Charleston before he was done at Stiles Point.

Speaking of Darius, I can’t wait for the next Hootie and The Blowfish concert next month. I will be attending this one with a large group of friends. We at I’m just sayin… would like to see Darius as a guest on The Colbert Report (and we would also like to see Stephen sing a song or two at a Darius and/or Hootie concert). Somebody get on that to make it happen.

Well, MaMa’s house is for sale. I’m glad I wasn’t asked to sell the house because I wouldn’t be able to do it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad that it is being sold. I have no doubt that MaMa would want it to be sold. Intellectually, I understand this… but emotionally, it would be hard for me to sell it. Basically, I wouldn’t sell it… rather; I’d take applications from people wanting to buy it. Because to outsiders, this is just a house… maybe just an “investment”… but to me, it’s a large memory storage box. I’m sure the realtor will walk people through and point out all of the nice things the house has to offer. He also has to hear complaints about the house from the people looking at it and try to turn those negatives into positives. I’m sure that’s what he’ll do. But I couldn’t do it that way. Here’s how I would do it…

As I meet the people in the front yard

*I’m going to be up front with you here… The first time I hear a complaint about something, the first time you say something that might even sound negative, the first time you have a look on your face that makes me think you don’t like something… The first time you don’t look thrilled at what you have a chance to buy… the first time any of that happens, I will ask you to leave. If you do not leave right away, I will physically throw you out. Also, I need to know that you are committed to living here for at least 10 years (I’d prefer more, but at least 10). This isn’t just some investment for you to buy and then sell as soon as the market shoots back up. This house has been in the same family since the 1940s… it’s the Pittsburgh Steelers of houses. I don’t want it to become the LA Dodgers of houses, if you know what I mean. Now that we have that out of the way, let’s take a look at the house.

*Here we have the front door. In my 32 years of living, I never entered the house for the first time on a visit through this door. This door is for salesmen and others who don’t know any better. Family and friends go around back and enter the house that way. But since I’m not sure where you fall, we’re going to come in this way.

*In here is a room that, until recently, had carpet in it. The walls hold memories… the carpet held dirt. So they recently got rid of the carpet and now we’re left with nice wood floors that have been here this whole time. Over here is a little stain from where an artificial plant used to sit. My grandfather either didn’t know it was artificial or didn’t really understand the meaning of artificial… so he watered it, thus the stain. To be fair, I think it’s been here long enough that we can move that from the “blemish” category over to the “character” category. A nice wooden lamp was here by this door for as long as I can remember. It is now by my bed. Photo albums were stored under it… and there was a fish up here on the wall that one of my nieces (Meredith, I think) was scared of. Over here sat a radio that for the longest time was never turned off.

*Moving on we have more wooden floors that have been protected by carpet for all of these years. Here is where the grown-ups would sit and talk at family gatherings. Over here is where the piano was and this spot over here is where the Christmas tree was when it fell over on me. Before I forget, I have to tell you that for many, many years money was hidden all over this house at Christmas and the grandchildren would have to find it. I think this is part of the reason they decided to get rid of the carpet… on the off chance that some money was hidden under it. But I digress…

*In here we have the Dining room. Over here is where the candy was kept. To be honest, I’m not a big candy guy… but MaMa always kept a container of bubble gum around for me. I love bubble gum. I think my Dad and my Uncle Keith ate most of the candy… while waiting in line for the food that MaMa (and Mom and my Aunt JoJo) had cooked for us. The table was here and this is where Da sat, MaMa sat at the other end, Mom and Dad sat over on that side of the table and Uncle Keith and Aunt JoJo sat here. I’m not saying your family will have to sit this way… I’m just telling you what worked for my family.

*Here’s the kitchen. I know it isn’t the biggest kitchen in the world, but I can guarandamntee you that more cooking was done in this kitchen than in all of those big fancy-shmancy kitchens you may have seen in other houses combined. Plus, who are we kidding here… you aren’t going to cook nearly as much as you think you will. Nobody does.

*Here is the den. Over there is the door all of your friends and family will walk through. Right here was a table where I ate 99.9% of my meals in this house. I would sit here and Dad would sit there with Mom in that spot and MaMa here. When I wasn’t here, MaMa would sit in my spot. I know this, because Mom tried to keep me out of my spot one time by telling me it was MaMa’s spot. MaMa made sure this did not happen twice. I now have that table. Over here were a couple of recliners. MaMa would sit in that one and Da would sit in this one. I would walk in and see his white hair sticking up over the top of the chair. Even all these years after he died, I’d still walk in and look to see if he was sitting there. That chair is now somewhat historic because the fact that I have it marks the first time in history that The Wife and I compromised with me actually getting something in the compromise. The TV was right there and this is the spot on the floor where I would play with the marbles. I would usually play football or war with those marbles… what can I say, I had a healthy imagination. I remember I was sitting over here the Christmas many years ago when MaMa realized that she had bought all of the men in the family sweaters (without really meaning to). I think that was the last sweater I owned.

*Now let’s go back through the kitchen and look at the rest of the house. Like the den, this hall here is new. And by new, I mean I remember when it wasn’t here. In reality, it’s probably older than most recent college graduates. Here is Da’s room (later MaMa’s room). I thought this bathroom here was pretty good, but they did some work to it recently and it looks great now. Not a ton of space, but honestly… if you’re going to spend so much time in the bathroom that you need a lot of space you should probably see a doctor. Get in, do what you’ve got to do, and get back out to your family. It’s a little different now, but I can remember the times I’d stay in here with Da when I was spending the night and he would put headphones on my so I could hear the TV when we went to bed… and then turn the volume up loud that he would also be able to hear the TV.

*Here is the bathroom I remember taking a bath in when I was a little boy. I remember I would be in the bath and Da would sneak in and pour a cup of cold water on me. I tried that on The Wife one time and she didn’t find it nearly as funny as I did. Women, huh?

*Here is what I consider MaMa’s room. I can remember sleeping in here with her when I was a little boy spending the night. She would tell me to shut my eyes real tight because she was going to turn off the light. Then once she turned off the light, we would count to 10 and then I would open my eyes and I would be able to see in the dark. I thought that was cool.

*Now if you will come with me we will take a look at the backyard. As you see, there is ample room out here for all types of outdoor family games. The front yard is also good for these games… but the backyard gives you a little more room. Here we have the carport. That wall there is where me and my cousin Jason would play wall ball. I don’t know if that is an official Olympic Game or not, but basically it consisted mainly of us throwing a tennis ball (or racquet ball) against the wall and then catching it when it bounced back to us. We were kids, so forgive me if the rules seem simple. Anyway, the door that was there before this one had window panes in it. At least, it originally did. What can I say; neither I nor Jason made it to the major leagues… so while I can neither confirm nor deny who may or may not have been responsible for the glass in that first door being broken, the fact is it was broken. But this door here is very solid. While we’re here, this area where the den is where I used to play one-on-one baseball with Da. We used a black plastic bat and a racquet ball. I can remember we would play out there while Da’s brother (my Great Uncle Jimmy) would sit under the carport and talk. I guess he was talking to Da, but sometimes he may have just been talking to himself. Every now and then I’d see Da reach up and mess with his ear. I can’t say for sure if he was turning his hearing aid up or down. I’ve got to be honest with you, I can see me and my brother Sonny being like that when we get old. I’m not sure if it’s still hooked up, but at one point there was a speaker out here that would ring whenever the phone inside would ring. It was loud enough that people 3 blocks over would know when my grandparent’s phone was ringing.

*I know a big thing for people is “location, location, location”… so let’s take a walk. This is the direction MaMa and I would walk when we walked to the “Other Little Boy’s” church. It’s the same way Da and I would walk when we would go to the drug store over this way which hasn’t been here since the late 1980s. You can get to pretty much anywhere pretty easy from here by foot, bike or car. I could tell you some stories about the places me and my cousin Jason would go on our bikes and the things we would do… but I’d hate for word to get back to our parents.

*So there you have it. It’s a great house in a great location… I just need to figure out if you’re good enough for it.

Know Your Medal of Honor Recipients:

Private James Burnes (US Marine Corps) received his Medal of Honor for his actions on June 20, 1900 at Tientsin, China. His citation reads:

In action against the enemy at Tientsin, China, 20 June 1900. Crossing the river in a small boat with 3 other men while under a heavy fire from the enemy, Burnes assisted in destroying buildings occupied by hostile forces.

Second Lieutenant George R. Burnett (US Army) received his Medal of Honor for his actions on August 16, 1881 at Cuchillo Negro Mountains, North Mexico. His citation reads:

Saved the life of a dismounted soldier, who was in imminent danger of being cut off, by alone galloping quickly to his assistance under heavy fire and escorting him to a place of safety, his horse being twice shot in this action.

Sergeant James M. Burns (US Army) received his Medal of Honor for his actions on May 15, 1864 at New Market, Virginia. His citation reads:

Under a heavy fire of musketry, rallied a few men to the support of the colors, in danger of capture and bore them to a place of safety. One of his comrades having been severely wounded in the effort, Sgt. Burns went back a hundred yards m the face of the enemy's fire and carried the wounded man from the field.