If you do not know me (I mean, really know me) then there is something you need to understand before you read this blog: I value the truth above everything else... except a good laugh. A good laugh will almost always beat the truth as far as I’m concerned. Everything you read on this blog will be true, somewhat true, or something I made up in an effort to get a laugh. Sometimes I will go on a rant that I don’t really mean (or only kind of mean). Sometimes I will mean what I write only to completely change my mind a year, month, or day later. Such is life. By reading this blog you agree not to get offended by anything I write (or, at the very least, you agree not to tell me or anyone else that you are offended). It is worth noting that my employer does not endorse my blog (or even read it, to tell you the truth). The Wife also does not endorse my blog (though she will read it from time to time). I am not paid to write this... it’s just my way of giving back to the community. I have, and will, touch on a wide range of subjects and will give my opinion on these subjects. Again, most of what I say is for laughs but every now and then I will say what I really think and feel (see my views on Westboro Baptist Cult). How will you know when I’m serious and when I’m trying to get a laugh? You’ll know. And if you don’t know, well... maybe this isn’t the best thing for you to be reading. So, sit back, read and enjoy. Leave comments if you want and don’t be afraid to publicly follow me.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Happy Memorial Day

I'd like to take a minute today to remember all of those who have died for our country. And to say thank you to all who have lost a loved one fighting for our country. Perhaps one day there will be no need for fighting... until then, though, I'm glad we have men and women willing to fight for us.

The I’m just sayin… Top 2,982 Movies of All-Time Countdown

45 Ghostbusters
Ivan Reitman
Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Sigourney Weaver, Harold Ramis, Rick Moranis, Ernie Hudson, Annie Potts
Winston Zeddemore: "Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say 'YES'!"

Dr. Peter Venkman: "We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!"

Dr Ray Stantz: "Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here".
Walter Peck: "They caused an explosion!"
Mayor: "Is this true?"
Dr. Peter Venkman: "Yes it's true".
Dr. Peter Venkman: "This man has no dick".

Dr Ray Stantz: "Gozer the Gozerian... good evening. As a duly designated representative of the City, County and State of New York, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension".
Dr. Peter Venkman: [Sarcastically] "That oughta do it. Thanks very much, Ray".

Dr Ray Stantz: "Personally, I liked the university. They gave us money and facilities, we didn't have to produce anything! You've never been out of college! You don't know what it's like out there! I've *worked* in the private sector. They expect *results*".

44 Blazing Saddles
Mel Brooks
Cleavon Little, Gene Wilder, Mel Brooks, Madeline Kahn, Harvey Korman, Slim Pickens, Alex Karras
Lyle: "Come on, boys! The way you're lollygaggin' around here with them picks and them shovels, you'd think it was a hundert an' twenty degree. Can't be more than a hundert an' fourteen".

43 12 Angry Men
Sidney Lumet
Lee J. Cobb, Henry Fonda, E.G. Marshall, Jack Warden, Jack Klugman, Ed Begley, Martin Balsam, Robert Webber, Joseph Sweeney, John Fiedler, Edward Binns

42 Beaches
Garry Marshall
Bette Midler, Barbara Hershey, John Heard, James Read, Lainie Kazan, Spalding Gray
CC Bloom: "But enough about me, let's talk about you... what do YOU think of me?"

41 American Graffiti
George Lucas
Richard Dreyfuss, Ron Howard, Candy Clark, Harrison Ford, Cindy Williams, Paul LeMat

40 Beverly Hills Cop
Martin Brest
Eddie Murphy, John Ashton, Judge Reinhold
Axel Foley: "Don't you think I realize what's going on here, miss? Who do you think I am, huh? Don't you think I know that if I was some hotshot from out of town that pulled inside here and you guys made a reservation mistake, I'd be the first one to get a room and I'd be upstairs relaxing right now. But I'm not some hotshot from out of town, I'm a small reporter from 'Rolling Stone' magazine that's in town to do an exclusive interview with Michael Jackson that's gonna be picked up by every major magazine in the country. I was gonna call the article 'Michael Jackson Is Sitting On Top of the World,' but now I think I might as well just call it 'Michael Jackson Can Sit On Top of the World Just As Long As He Doesn't Sit in the Beverly Palm Hotel 'Cause There's No N*ggers Allowed in There!'"

Detective Foster: "Yeah, and we're not gonna fall for a banana in the tailpipe".
Axel Foley: [mocking him] "You're not gonna fall for the banana in the tailpipe? It should be more natural, brother. It should flow out, like this - 'Look, man, I ain't fallin' for no banana in my tailpipe!' See, that's more natural for us. You been hanging out with this dude too long".

39 Breakfast at Tiffany's
Blake Edwards
Audrey Hepburn, George Peppard, Buddy Ebsen, Mickey Rooney

38 Fletch
Michael Ritchie
Chevy Chase, Joe Don Baker, Geena Davis
[driving away from police in car with startled teenager]
Teenager: "Are you a cop?"
Fletch: "As far as you know".
Teenager: "Are you gonna take me to jail for car theft?"
Fletch: "Why? Did you steal the car?"
Teenager: "I sure did".
Fletch: "Well, I'm not even sure that's a crime anymore. There've been a lot of changes in the law".

Fletch: "I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pull rank on you. I didn't want to have to do this. I'm with the Mattress Police. There are no tags on these mattresses".

[During a proctological exam]
Fletch: "You using the whole fist, Doc?"

Madeline: "I'm sorry, who are you again?"
Fletch: "I'm Frieda's boss".
Madeline: "Who's Frieda?"
Fletch: "My secretary".

Fletch: "You know, what tipped it for me was something your wife said while we were in bed together".
Alan Stanwyck: "Oh? And what was that?"
Fletch: "Curiously, she said we had roughly the same build. From the waist up, I imagine".

Fletch: "If you shoot me, you're liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards".

[Fletch is being interrogated by Chief Karlin and is giving him attitude]
Chief Karlin: "So, what's your name?"
Fletch: "Fletch".
Chief Karlin: "Full name?"
Fletch: "Fletch F. Fletch".
Chief Karlin: "I see, And what do you do for a living, Mr. Fletch?"
Fletch: "I'm a shepherd".

Fletch: "You fellas wanna read me my rights?"
Detective #2: "You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have your face kicked in by me. You have the right to have your balls stomped by him".
Fletch: "I'll waive my rights".

Gail Stanwyck: "She looks like a hooker. Look at her. Look at her! Could you love someone who looked like that?"
Fletch: "What are you talking about? Of course not! Five, ten minutes tops, maybe".

37 Argo
Ben Affleck
Ben Affleck, John Goodman, Alan Arkin, Bryan Cranston, Victor Garber

36 The Avengers
Joss Whedon
Robert Downey, Jr., Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Jeremy Renner, Scarlett Johansson, Tom Hiddleston, Samuel L. Jackson, Stellan Skarsgård, Cobie Smulders, Clark Gregg

35 Harlem Nights
Eddie Murphy
Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor, Danny Aiello, Redd Foxx, Jasmine Guy, Michael Lerner, Stan Shaw, Arsenio Hall
Quick: [Quick is getting ready to sleep with Dominique and putting his gun under a pillow... he discovers she's done the same under one] "Oh, that's cute! I thought I was the only one who slept with a gun under the pillow... look at the little gun!"
[kisses her gun]
Quick: "Aw, that's so adorable".
[pauses for a moment after realizing that she intends to kill him]
Quick: "It's cute".

34 Pulp Fiction
Quentin Tarantino
John Travolta, Samuel L. Jackson, Bruce Willis, Uma Thurman, Ving Rhames, Harvey Keitel, Christopher Walken
Brett: "I just want you to know how sorry we are that things got so fucked up with us and Mr. Wallace. We got into this thing with the best intentions and I never…"
Jules: [Jules shoots the man on the couch] "I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue, you were saying something about best intentions. What's the matter? Oh, you were finished! Well, allow me to retort. What does Marsellus Wallace look like?"
Brett: "What?"
Jules: "What country are you from?"
Brett: "What? What? Wh - ?"
Jules: "'What' ain't no country I've ever heard of. They speak English in What?"
Brett: "What?"
Jules: "English, motherf--ker, do you speak it?"
Brett: "Yes! Yes!"
Jules: "Then you know what I'm sayin'!"
Brett: "Yes!"
Jules: "Describe what Marsellus Wallace looks like!"
Brett: "What?"
Jules: "Say 'what' again. Say 'what' again, I dare you, I double dare you motherf--ker, say what one more G-dd--n time!"

33 Tombstone
George Cosmatos
Kurt Russell, Val Kilmer, Dana Delany, Bill Paxton, Sam Elliott, Powers Boothe, Michael Biehn, Michael Rooker, Billy Zane
Doc Holliday: "And you must be Ringo. Look, darling, Johnny Ringo. The deadliest pistoleer since Wild Bill, they say. What do you think, darling? Should I hate him?"
Kate: "You don't even know him".
Doc Holliday: "Yes, but there's just something about him. Something around the eyes, I don't know, reminds me of... me. No. I'm sure of it, I hate him".

Wyatt Earp: [to Ike Clanton] "You die first, get it? Your friends might get me in a rush, but not before I make your head into a canoe, you understand me?"

Ike Clanton: "What is that now? Twelve hands in a row? Holliday, son of a bitch, nobody's that lucky".
Doc Holliday: "Why Ike, whatever do you mean? Maybe poker's just not your game Ike. I know! Let's have a spelling contest!"

Doc Holliday: "It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds".

Doc Holliday: "I'm your huckleberry..."

Wyatt Earp: "How are you?"
Doc Holliday: "I'm dying, how are you?"

Wyatt Earp: "All right, Clanton... you called down the thunder, well now you've got it! You see that?"[pulls open his coat, revealing a badge]"It says United States Marshal!"[referring to Stilwell, laying dead] "Take a good look at him, Ike... 'cause that's how you're gonna end up! The Cowboys are finished, you understand? I see a red sash, I kill the man wearin' it! So run, you cur... RUN! Tell all the other curs the law's comin'! You tell 'em I'M coming... and hell's coming with me, you hear?... Hell's coming with me!"

Billy Clanton: "Why, it's the drunk piano player. You're so drunk, you can't hit nothin'. In fact, you're probably seeing double".
Doc Holliday: [takes out a second gun] "I have two guns, one for each of ya".

Turkey Creek Jack Johnson: "Why you doin' this, Doc?"
Doc Holliday: "Because Wyatt Earp is my friend".
Turkey Creek Jack Johnson: "Friend? Hell, I got lots of friends".
Doc Holliday: "...I don't".

Morgan Earp: "Remember what I said about people seein' a bright light before they die? It ain't true. I can't see a damn thing".

Doc Holliday: [taunting a card player who believes Holliday is cheating him] "Why Ed does this mean we're not friends anymore? You know Ed, if I thought you weren't my friend... I just don't think I could bear it!"

32 Top Gun
Tony Scott
Tom Cruise, Kelly McGillis, Anthony Edwards, Val Kilmer, Meg Ryan, Tom Skerritt, Michael Ironside, Tim Robbins
Air Boss Johnson: "Negative, Ghost Rider, the pattern is full".

Goose: "The defense department regrets to inform you that your sons are dead because they were stupid".

Maverick: "I feel the need…"
Maverick, Goose: "...the need for speed!"

Maverick: "Talk to me, Goose".

Air Boss Johnson: "Two of your snot-nose jockeys did a fly-by on my tower at over 400 KNOTS! I want somebody's butt, I want it now, I've HAD IT!"
[storm out, then bumps into a Yeoman and spills coffee all over his pants]
Air Boss Johnson: "DAMN! That's TWICE! I WANT SOME BUTTS!"

Merlin: "What are you doing? You're slowing down, you're slowing down!"
Maverick: "I'm bringing him in closer, Merlin".
Merlin: "You're gonna do WHAT?!
Maverick: "I'll hit the brakes, he'll fly right by".
31 Back to the Future
Robert Zemeckis
Michael J. Fox, Christopher Lloyd, Lea Thompson, Crispin Glover
George McFly: "I'm George. George McFly. I'm your density. I mean, your destiny".

Marty McFly: "This is heavy".

Dr. Emmett Brown: "Don't worry. As long as you hit that wire with the connecting hook at precisely 88 miles per hour, the instant the lightning strikes the tower... everything will be fine".

Dr. Emmett Brown: Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads".

Marvin Berry: [on the phone, as Marty plays 'Johnny B. Goode'] "Chuck! Chuck, it's Marvin. Your cousin, Marvin Berry. You know that new sound you're looking for? Well, listen to this!"

George McFly: "Hey, you! Get your damn hands off her!"

30 Rogue One
Gareth Edwards
Felicity Jones, Diego Luna, Ben Mendelsohn, Donnie Yen, Mads Mikkelsen, Alan Tudyk, Jiang Wen, Forest Whitaker

29 Caddyshack
Harold Ramis
Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield, Bill Murray, Ted Knight, Michael O'Keefe, Cindy Morgan, Sarah Holcomb
Carl Spackler: "Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac... It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!"

Al Czervik: [to his Asian companion] "I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?"

Carl Spackler: "A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice".

Judge Smails: "I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them".

Ty Webb: "Be the ball".

28 Bull Durham
Ron Shelton
Kevin Costner, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, Robert Wuhl
Annie Savoy: "I believe in the Church of Baseball. I've tried all the major religions, and most of the minor ones. I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I heard that, I gave Jesus a chance. But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology. You see, there's no guilt in baseball, and it's never boring... which makes it like sex. There's never been a ballplayer slept with me who didn't have the best year of his career. Making love is like hitting a baseball: you just gotta relax and concentrate. Besides, I'd never sleep with a player hitting under .250... not unless he had a lot of RBIs and was a great glove man up the middle. You see, there's a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys. I can expand their minds. Sometimes when I've got a ballplayer alone, I'll just read Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman to him, and the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen. 'Course, a guy'll listen to anything if he thinks it's foreplay. I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe, and pretty. 'Course, what I give them lasts a lifetime; what they give me lasts 142 games. Sometimes it seems like a bad trade. But bad trades are part of baseball - now who can forget Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, for God's sake? It's a long season and you gotta trust it. I've tried 'em all, I really have, and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the Church of Baseball".

Crash Davis: "Relax, all right? Don't try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls - it's more democratic".

Crash Davis: "Your shower shoes have fungus on them. You'll never make it to the bigs with fungus on your shower shoes. Think classy, you'll be classy. If you win 20 in the show, you can let the fungus grow back and the press'll think you're colorful. Until you win 20 in the show, however, it means you are a slob".

Crash Davis: "Yeah, I was in the show. I was in the show for 21 days once - the 21 greatest days of my life. You know, you never handle your luggage in the show, somebody else carries your bags. It was great. You hit white balls for batting practice, the ballparks are like cathedrals, the hotels all have room service, and the women all have long legs and brains".

Crash Davis: "It's time to work on your interviews".
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: "My interviews? What do I gotta do?"
Crash Davis: "You're gonna have to learn your clichés. You're gonna have to study them, you're gonna have to know them. They're your friends. Write this down: 'We gotta play it one day at a time'".

Crash Davis: "After 12 years in the minor leagues, I don't try out. Besides, uh, I don't believe in quantum physics when it comes to matters of the heart".
Annie Savoy: "What do you believe in, then?"
Crash Davis: "Well, I believe in the soul, the c--k, the p---y, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days".

Skip: "You guys. You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Larry!"
Larry: "Lollygaggers!"
Skip: "Lollygaggers".
Skip: "What's our record, Larry?"
Larry: "Eight and sixteen".
Skip: "Eight... and sixteen. How'd we ever win eight?"
Larry: "It's a miracle".
Skip: "It's a miracle. This... is a simple game. You throw the ball. You hit the ball. You catch the ball".

Larry: [Larry jogs out to the mound to break up a players' conference] "Excuse me, but what the hell's going on out here?"
Crash Davis: "Well, Nuke's scared because his eyelids are jammed and his old man's here. We need a live... is it a live rooster?" [Jose nods] "We need a live rooster to take the curse off Jose's glove and nobody seems to know what to get Millie or Jimmy for their wedding present". [to the players] "Is that about right?" [the players nod] "We're dealing with a lot of shit".
Larry: "Okay, well, uh... candlesticks always make a nice gift, and uh, maybe you could find out where she's registered and maybe a place-setting or maybe a silverware pattern. Okay, let's get two! Go get 'em".

27 To Kill a Mockingbird
Robert Mulligan
Gregory Peck, Mary Badham, Phillip Alford, Robert Duvall, Brock Peters, William Windom, Paul Fix

26 Dirty Harry
Don Siegel
Clint Eastwood, Andrew Robinson, Reni Santoni
Harry Callahan: "I know what you're thinking. 'Did he fire six shots or only five?' Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"

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